Happening Parents

“I don’t want you, Mummy, I want Aunty Marie….”

“I want Aunty Marie to carry me…”

 “I want Aunty Marie to feed me…”

 “Marie! Nicholas is my son, not yours….!”

Does this sound familiar? We may not experience this first hand, but I’m sure some of us have observed the above or similar situation before.

In today’s context, why is it common that children are getting closer to the helpers or caregiver, rather than their very own parents? Is it because, their parents are too busy immersing themselves in establishing their career, while “they still have the energy”, or are they outside struggling to make ends meet. Are they spending enough time with their children? Again, how much time is enough then?

It is not as detrimental to the children’s development if the caregiver is a grandparent as the child still forms a bond with a family member. 

It is different for a child to form a bond with a maid as they are only here on a contract basis.  If the bond between the child and maid is very strong, there will be a lot of adjustment for the child to make every 2 years.  Even if we are keen on renewing their contracts, they may be under familial pressure to settle down themselves or may wish to venture to other countries for better pay.  Would one hold themselves hostage to the pay increments to some helpers demand just because their child does not want a change in helper?

My mum runs a maid agency, and I’ve heard many sad stories about employers terminating their maid services simply because their kids are getting too close to the maid, and ignoring them in the process. Does the fault really lie with the maid?

Even when I was still a little girl, my sister and I were fostered out to my nanny as both my parents had to work. We only returned home on the weekends.  I still remember how much we struggled and refused to go home with them. That must have hurt them a lot!

To be fair, let us look at the maid / caregiver perspective:

Employers (Parents) spend most of their waking hours at work. Sometimes, they leave the house before their children wake up, and come back home only after their children are asleep. While the maid/caregiver spends most of the time with the children – preparing their meals, feeding them, bathing them, putting them to bed. Some would even read and play with them. In this respect, wouldn’t it be natural for the children to cling onto those who are closest to them and spend the most time with them?

Now let’s look at the employer’s (parent) perspective:

Are there really no other choices that both parents have to work and make ends meet? The cost of living in Singapore increases every year. It is not easy to feed another mouth. However limited our resources are, we need to re-evaluate our expenditure, priorities and even our lifestyle, for the greater benefit of our children.

Your life, your kids, your choice: What are your priorities?  Which comes first?  Your career or kids?

1)         If Career comes first:

• Parent-child bonding ties would not be so strong
• Parents have to curb the tendency to use money to “buy” over their children’s affections, which can teach wrong values to their children.  In the recent financial turmoil of 2008 following the collapse of Lehman Brothers, there were many disturbing reports of spendthrift teenagers and young adults splurging on luxury wants when their parents were cutting back expenses to cope with retrenchments and the economic downturn.  There were also many reports of children being happier as their retrenched parents finally are able to find time to bond with their children and on how these bonding activities need not be expensive.

2)         If Children comes first:

• Talk with our bosses if your job can be converted to flexi-time or work from home. Provide a solution on how you intend to go about doing it.
• The moment we get back from home, do spend quality time with your children.   Quality time means 100%focus on your child, engaging your child, talking/singing/reading/playing with your child.  It does not mean getting the child to do some drawing while we take a nap, catch up on our own drama serials, log into emails or Facebook.

If we do not wish to be ignored by our children as they grow older, then we have to ensure that we do not ignore them now when they constantly seek out for our attention and approval.

Conclusion

 The Maid can never replace us as the parent.  Based on the differences in backgrounds and experiences, there will definitely be differences in values.  

Just think about it.  If we don’t cultivate the habit of communication with our child now, why would our child want to communicate with us in their teenage years?

How would we understand what is important to our child, their likes / dislikes / fears etc if we do not learn what your child is like through interaction at a young age? 

Why not let the maid take care of all the time consuming household chores so that we can have more time to spend caring, nurturing and enjoying our children’s childhood. 

Time is the one thing money can’t buy, and which we, as parents, can never replace.